The brown stuff

has hit the rotating blade...im very depressed? I had a very bad weekend. I went on a rafting trip with EPIC I was an assistant. We went to the Clark Fork River in Montana its the river I am suposed to work this summer. The Guides, we all ran the river twice alone on thursday, then on friday with the participants including Sara Varnum. She fell out of the 2nd boat and was swept into a strainer (a log accros the river) I and others watched helplessly as she slipped below the surface to never come up agian. Since I have been disturbed by images of the events that occured that day and i cant seem to shake them. I dont much like beign alone and with Kelsey gone for the summer my plight seems desprate. I miss friends and family and hope to be home soon to see them. I hadn't planned to write about this on here it doesnt seem appropriate to her memory but seeing as how it has become a part of my life i see it fit to be in my journal. I find it hard to belive that i still want to work the very same river this summer that took her life. i troubles me deeply and i wonder if its natural to feel this way. But any way im going to go sleep now i would hope that her and her family will be in your prayers because that was something that she belived in strongly. thank you